Wow! I have Forgotten A LOT!!!

Given that I am posting on this blog again, I thought I would go back and read some of the earlier posts. Wow!  I had forgotten a lot!

• I honestly don't know how I looked then, but I honestly can tell you I am nowhere near a D-Cup NOW!  (They may have migrated under my arm pits, but I'm not sure.)
• I had forgotten all of the stuff the crazy meth man did to our back yard.
• I had forgotten that I did the UAMS Weight Loss Center thing one time.
• I had forgotten that I used to dread working out!

I love that last one!  I used to dread working out!  I don't any more!  I love going to Taekwondo.  I love sweating and panting.  I love trying to stretch these legs to make my kicks higher and stronger.  I love working on my form so I can focus on what my body is doing and how it is supposed to look.  I love my weapons forms -- well, most of them.  I still say that when I do my single sahng jeol bahng (nun chuk) form that I look like a monkey flinging dung.  I love punching on the bags and padded targets.  I love combat weapons sparring.  I love breaking boards!  I love walking out of Taekwondo with my hair either plastered to my head from the sparring helmet or frizzy because I have sweated so much I look like  a Chia Pet!

Not only that, I love working out at home.  It may not LOOK like working out, but it is.  I love doing hard work outside.  (i don't like working inside; one glance would tell you that.)  I love hiking.  I love swimming.  I WILL love kayaking.  (Jadyn and I got kayaks for Christmas and cannot wait to use them.)  I like all sorts of outdoor stuff!

I love that I went zip-lining with Dave and Jadyn in Alaska. I had to get over a hurdle -- fearing I was "too big" and didn't want to embarrass myself or my family -- but I did get over that hurdle.  I wasn't "too big" at all!  I had a marvelous time!  AND, I gave Jadyn a hilarious memory by butt planting a tree 250 feet in the air!  (Long story...)

I love that I had to get rid of all of my old clothes because they were too big.

Because I'm old and I can't see far away OR up close, and because I don't wear my reading glasses while picking out clothes, I realized I was wearing a pair of jeans that were a size smaller than I normally wear.

I still like wearing my bigger jeans because they are comfy and because they really are baggy.  It looks like the Brady Bunch moved out of my butt!

Speaking of my butt (how many of you ever have said that? "Speaking of my butt"...)  Anyway, I am proud to report that I still don't have hail damage anywhere!  

Am I sounding arrogant, YOU BET!!! Am I really arrogant?  No.  I am grateful.  I am looking back almost 10 years ago and I am reading the comments of a younger me who did not like herself at all.  Now?  Sure there are things I would change about my body.  For example, I would like to go back in time and slap my ancestor who mated with a pelican.  But overall I am HAPPY!  I can tell I'm a much happier person that the 36 or 37 year old who began writing that blog.  

Yes, i still use self-effacing humor.  I always have and I always will.  But man!  I was BRUTAL on myself!  Now, I accept myself as I am.  My definition of compassion is to hear pain without judgment or blame.  I was not compassionate toward myself much, and not just about my body.  I am so grateful that I have learned to extend a bit of grace to myself.  Not that I'm copping out or giving myself excuses!  Quite the contrary.  Because I have learned to love who I am right here and right now most of the time, I am building upon the foundation of acceptance.  I still strive to improve, not because I need to improve to be accepted; rather, I strive to improve because I LIKE who I am and want to take care of me.

Wow...glad I had forgotten a lot of that, but even more glad to see just how far I have come.  God's grace truly is amazing.  Just as I am...that's how God accepts me.  That's how I accept myself.

Of course, turning 40 did bust all up my give a hoot...

Looks Like I'm Back to This Blog!

As mentioned in the last post, I keep coming back to this blog, probably because it is so apropos!  (Ain't that sad...)  I'm closer to starting to think about trying to run/lumber.  Rumber.  That's what I'll call it.  I'm wearing the purple Nike running shoes I bought myself for Christmas.  I keep hoping my feet will bask in the mojo of the purple NIke shoe and convince my body that it's already run at least a half marathon.  Alas, no pedosmosis.

Also as stated before, it is great to be in Taekwondo.  I accomplished a goal.  I actually kicked someone in the head!  Seriously!  Does it matter that it was a 4 foot tall 8 year old?  NOT TO ME!!!  Seriously, I actually have kicked someone in the head.  It was about a year and a half ago.  Jadyn was sparring this bigger kid who was lower ranked, so like a good high rank, he was sparring at the other kid's level.  Still, Jadyn was scoring points on him, and the bigger kid got mad and started bull-rushing Jadyn into the wall rather than sparring.  After the third time, my cub's head was hurting, and this momma bear was not happy!  The instructor said, "Break" and then switched up sparring partners.  He put me with the bully.  The kid was taller than I am, but when we bowed and shook hand, his eyes were as big as platters.  Good.  It's wise to respect and even fear a mother bear whose cub you just flung repeatedly against a tree!  However, I practiced my best self-control as we sparred.  A Klingon proverb kept running through my mind:  Vengeance is a dish best served cold.  The more I sparred, the less I needed vengeance.  My cub was feeling better and was doing well against another sparring partner who actually SPARRED him instead of acting like a battering ram.  So, I had fun.  The more self-control I had, the more scared he became.  I thought that white uniform was going to turn all shades of golden brown at any moment.  But I kept sparring, even giving him some pointers on how to block effectively.  "Yes ma'am," he would say, shakily I might add.  I told him over and over to keep his guard hand up.  I pointed out how and where he was leaving himself vulnerable.  I tried; I REALLY tried.  Then, in a move I don't think I ever have connected on again, I caught him right upside the head with an outer crescent kick!  As I helped him up off the mat, I said, "Told you to keep your guard hand up."  "BREAK!"  Sweet...

While I am glad about Taekwondo, I need to Rumber.  I've been wearing the shoes.  I've mentioned it to people.  Apparently I don't feel the need to be accountable, so I can guess I can write it on this blog and publish for the whole world to read if they so choose.  Then, if anyone asks if I've started to "rumber", I'll just look at them like they've sprouted a unicorn horn right out of their head and respond, "Seriously?".  So, another tactic had to be chosen.  I bought Jadyn some running shoes (back to that in a moment) because a financial investment usually motivates me.  Since his surgery in November to remove the two tarsal coalitions in his left foot, he has been learning what it's like to actually have lateral movement in his left foot.  (Yes, I know I split an infinitive.  It's a MYTH that it's incorrect!  Check out the Oxford English Dictionary!!!)  Now it's time for Jadyn to get used to running by landing on his midfoot or the balls of his feet.  Last year in football, Jadyn would run on the balls of his right foot but his left foot would land flat on the ground like a brick.  He looked like half a Herman Munster!  So, I bought him some new shoes A SIZE 10!!!!!  pause....breathe...  So, I bought him some new shoes and told him that we would run together.

This evening, we went outside after supper to try out the new shoes.  They were awesome!!!!!  He still needs to practice his sprints but his form already looks better.  

Me?  I used my iPhone to time him.  My right thumb really got a workout, I tell ya!

Over 2 years later...

I keep coming back to this blog.  Maybe my subconscious mind is trying to tell me something.  Perhaps I was rebelling against the pressure of writing a post every week.  Perhaps I didn't want to disappoint anyone.  Well, regardless of the reason, I keep coming back.

It has been over 2 years since I last wrote.  Jadyn decided to play football this year and absolutely loved it!  By the second game, he started at nose guard. He was really quick!  Taekwondo helped him learn his opponent and use their weaknesses against them.  He also played defensive end.  He said he loved playing nose guard because he got to hit someone every play and didn't have to know what was going on, just go after the ball!  LOL! After football, he had foot surgery to correct a tarsal coalition.  Football and surgery kept us out of taekwondo for several months.

Sadly, on December 23, 2012, my mom had a cerebellar stroke.   She was hospitalized, including about a week in ICU.  She decided to go to hospice on January 3 and passed away about 5:15am January 4.  I miss her but love her too much to wish her back.

Finally, after being away from taekwondo for about 6 months, we started back.  Jadyn came back with a vengeance!   Football brought the intensity and the competitor out in him.  He is doing great!  Me?  I'm hanging in there.  Like all of taekwondo, what I lack in flexibility and finesse, I try to make up with attitude.  I love the self-defense training.  I love forms because I cant focus only on myself.  I don't like to spar because I don't like having to think of someone else, but I LOVE combat weapon sparring.  There's just something cathartic about hitting another person upside the head with a big blue stick!  Oh yeah...I love combat weapon sparring.  If Jadyn hadn't had a migraine today, I would try and convince him to practice.  

I am trying to talk myself into running.  Well, jogging.  Well, actually lumbering may be the better word.  Kind of leaning forward and rapidly walking.  Well, you get the picture, and if you do I know you are laughing right now.  Yeah...me too.  Haven't gotten to the point of setting a goal because that would mean DOING something or having someone to whom I have to be accountable.  Don't want that yet.

Exercise isn't the only thing I'm doing to stay healthy.  I'm moving more toward a plant-based diet.  I don't think I'll ever call myself a vegetarian much less a vegan, but I definitely have been doing a lot of substituting.  AND I LIKE IT!!!  I hope it likes me, too.  

Bottom Line:  I continue to feel better about myself than when I first started this blog.  I think age and life experiences has brought more acceptance.  After all, life is too short to live 24/7/365 with someone I loathe...

5 Years Later...

It's been 5 years to the day since I last posted on this blog. Wow! So much has changed! After my last post I had two more surgeries: a hernia repair and a hysterectomy/oophorectomy. I just love saying that..."oophorectomy." Wonder if I can say it three times really fast? Or use it in the lyrics of a musical? For those who do not know, an oophorectomy is the surgical removal of ovaries. Yeah, I went into surgically induced menopause two years ago. I went to the Gynecologist who found "a large abdominal mass." This was right before my son's 8th birthday (he's 10 now). He was rather certain it was a cyst but I had to do the ovarian cancer screen/scare. When I asked how big it was, he answered, "Two words...baby's head!" No, he wasn't joking. Well, the last time I had something that big growing inside of me, we gave it a name and started a college fund. So, we named my cyst Mr. Goo. By the time Mr. Goo was removed, it was the size of a cantaloupe. Yeah...I haven't been able to look at them the same way in the grocery store since. Jadyn wanted me to bring Mr. Goo home in a jar. When I told him no (more like, "Oh gross! No way! Ain't gonna happen), he said, "But I could say I have a baby brother!" Freaky weird kid... Mr. Goo went wherever those parts go, and I still have an only child.

So, goodbye period and hello menopause! I had heard the horror stories of hot flashes and night sweats. (I call them hot lingers because from what I have observed, they don't just flash, they stay around awhile!) I must be oppositional to the core because I don't get hot; now I get cold. Yes cold. You tell my body it is expected to do one thing and it says, "Bite me!" and does the opposite. I have to keep a cardigan and a little personal heater at work now. Except in the winter when I use a fan. So, yeah, I'm just all dysregulated and discombobulated.

How has menopause been for me? In a word, FABULOUS!!!!! I never realized how bad I felt until I started feeling so much better. My hormones were so whacked out all my life that my body didn't even miss a beat!

In November 2009, Jadyn started taking taekwondo. He's not a team sport kind of guy. He doesn't want to play football, basketball, baseball, or soccer. Ah, but he does love Honor Choir. So, I thought to myself, "He loves Honor Choir and hates football...hmmmm...this kid needs taekwondo!" I figured it would be good if he ever had to defend his love of arts and indifference to sports. He also gets to do demonstrations at school where he can show he knows how to use various weapons. (That's a good thing!) He wanted me to take it with him and I kept saying no. Then I took two self defense classes, and I was hooked. So, in March, I started taking taekwondo and I love it!

Mind you, I am not flexible. I swear, in the womb my arms may have been crossed but my legs were straight as boards. In sparring, the instructors said you score two points for a kick to the head, three points if it's a jump kick. I asked what you got for a kick to the ankle and he said disqualified. Shoot! So, I started taking taekwondo, and we take anywhere from 5-8 classes per week.

At first, I had to convince myself to pay no attention to the the people behind the glass (ie., the parents watching their kids). I just knew my big ol' tookus was bouncing around like the ball on the Saturday morning cartoons when we were kids only I wasn't teaching a new song. I was learning a martial art, but in my case "art" may be a bit of a stretch. Seriously, I had to overcome some major performance anxiety to go out there. In 4th grade, I studied a medical encyclopedia, memorized the symptoms of a kidney infection, counted the days it would take lab results to come in, and started faking a kidney infection just to get out of a piano recital. But I didn't get out of this. My mantra is "A little stronger every day."

Then Jadyn wanted me to compete in a tournament. He really is good. He has has a lot of competition in his age group, but he usually places in the tournaments and has beaten boys higher ranked than he. I had said I wouldn't ever compete; I'd rather just cheer for him. Truth is, I didn't want my tookus bouncing around in that much public. School was one thing but in front of a crowd? No thanks, I'll just cheer you on. He said, "But at the World Tournament, I compete on Saturday and you compete on Sunday, so you can cheer for me and still compete and I can cheer for you." How do you say no to that? I couldn't refuse, but I was scared to death. I just knew I'd be up against people like my friend Anne who was a second degree black belt in taekwondo before she took up kung fu. I just knew I'd get some female Jackie Chan/Jet Li MommaJackLiChanJet person who had black belts in every form of martial art and decided to take taekwondo with their child so was just a green belt at worlds. But, I signed up anyway. I guess it's th sterility...you know, when you can't remember squat! Oh, wait, that's senility. Well, I've probably got that, too!

My goals were simple: (1) to show up and not throw up and (2) to score at least one point in sparring so I wouldn't be completely shut out. When I got there, I saw women just like me, in their 40s with a few pounds to lose and who also were scared to death about being there. I asked the judge if women in our age got piddle breaks. No such luck. We all competed, we cheered and encouraged each other, and I have to say it was one of the most awesome experiences I ever have had. And getting 2nd in form, 2nd in weapon, and 1st in sparring didn't hurt my feelings, either!

We started practicing for our school's demo team during various classes. At one point in the demo, our instructor wanted us to do a cartwheel. I said, "Look, at 43, something in my brain tells me not to swing my butt over my head." So, he told me I could do a safety roll. However, mine looked more like a Tootsie Roll and I thought, "I don't want to do this!" So, for Jadyn's birthday, I mustered up the courage to do my cartwheel for the first time in about 30 years. And I didn't die. And I got put on the demo team. Jadyn is on it because he is good. I am on it purely for marketing. They can say, "If we can get her to do that, just imagine what we can do with you!!!" So, yes, I've not done my cartwheel in front of a few hundred people without a mat. The snowbeast was on a roll and luckily didn't break anything, including my pride. Vanity, yes. Pride, no.

Jadyn and I go to taekwondo 3 days per week and take two classes on Tuesday/Thursday and 3-4 classes on Friday. I stress my muscles to become stronger. I push myself beyond my comfort zone to become more flexible. I make myself keep going to build endurance. I have gotten stronger, more flexible, and have greater endurance...BUT I HAVEN'T GOTTEN ANY SMALLER!!!!! I don't have a body people look at and say, "Oo-la-la;" rather, I have the body people look at and say, "She could kick some Ah-oo-gah!" At one tournament, I had one lady look at me and say, "I've seen you and you're a monster! You're just a beast!" Oh THAT does wonders for the ol' self esteem, I tell ya! With that white uniform, I already feel like a snow beast, so I bought the heavier weight uniform with the red sash. Now I feel like a snow beast wearing a scarf.

Given that I'm back in the business of working out, I decided to give the blog an update. I don't know how long or how often I will write, but I'm back. I'm no longer an Out-of-Shape Shrink because as they say, round is a shape!

Epilogue

I'm baaaaack. Not for long, though, I promise. Recent events have dictated that I need to write an epilogue, for closure you might say.

First of all, I now know why I hit the wall in about May or June. I had been feeling bad since then, gradually getting worse until September when I finally went to the doctor. By that time, I was having a lot of abdominal pain and nausea. Yes...gall bladder. Mine had quite a bit of debris, according to the surgeon. So, a few snips here and drainage holes there and my gall bladder is removed and I am feeling GOOD! I did not realize how bad I was feeling until I started feeling good again! I can't get back into lifting weights until December (nothing over 20 pounds until then...DARN!), but I got a new mountain bike and have been riding in the morning. I must say it is KICKING MY TAIL!!! One reason I get up at 5 am to ride is I don't want anyone hearing me pant like my lung is about to fly out of my mouth! Dogs can hear it, though, and the way they bark it seems like they think they are missing out on some fun.

Anyway, I understand now why people say it takes "gall" to say some things. You know what I'm talking about. Something has happened that you don't like, so you muster up your courage to stand up and say what's on your mind. Well, not having my gall bladder, I guess I don't have that repository of impudence and by the time I have mustered up a royal tirade, I have to take a seat in the royal throne room. By that time, the moment has passed. I know some would disagree.

One last thing before I close, I went through my closet and got rid of all my fat, frumpy, safety clothes. I still miss my safety clothes, especially when I'm feeling bloated or otherwise quite uncute. But, they're gone. I'm somewhat trendy, at least for now. I have decided that this is the fashion era in which I get stuck. I will spend the rest of my adult life wearing my shirts untucked, holding my head high in fashionable fortitude.

Perhaps that takes gall...we'll see...

Last Post

The time for this blog to end has come.

Jadyn started K4 at Arkansas Baptist Schools on Monday. What a great time this is for him! His first day was "awesome" according to him. He didn't want to come home! This is such a good fit for him. I cherish our driving time together...such possibilities.

My 20th high school class reunion was this weekend. I had a wonderful time. Many of my classmates looked like the stepped right out of the year book (I hate them). Two were recent grandparents (I really hated them..."Cindy Kay! Nana looks GOOOOOOOD!!!"). My class is full of incredibly successful people. Even with a Ph.D., I felt like an underachiever. I am proud to be part of the Malvern High School Class of 1985.

New beginnings to experience...new milestones to reach...

As for the Out-Of-Shape-Shrink...I'm not where I want to be, but I'm not where I was, and I definitely am on the right path. I may not have achieved my fitness or weight goals in the past 15 months, but I have achieved something much more valuable...I like myself. I have embraced who I am, no matter what package it's wrapped in, and that is a tremendous thing for me. I feel comfortable in my skin...NO MATTER HOW MUCH THERE IS! I'm healthy; my husband finds me attractive; my son says I am "beautiful"...honestly, what more does a person need?

I still don't fit in the right category according to all of those charts, but I'm definitely in much better shape physically and psychologically than when I started. Besides...I DON'T NEED NO STINKIN' CHARTS!

So, let me say, "Osmosis Amoebas" or "I Stole Your Leggos" or whatever it is people say when they don't want to say, "Goodbye."

Later...

Next to last post

One more week and I will be ending my blog. In honor of this being the Diary of an Out-Of-Shape Shrink, I thought I would write a BUFFET of ideas.

More Clothes Fat Chicks Shouldn't Wear
As I was getting dressed for work, I noticed the tag on my sweater read, "Sag Harbor." I said to myself, "Isn't that funny! I thought that's what my bra was!" Anyway, this made me think about more clothes fat chicks just should not wear.

Let's start with an obvious one...bikinis! Well, at least I thought this was obvious, but one stroll through any local water park makes it painfully clear that this was not obvious to others. If you wonder whether or not you should wear a bikini, I will give you one foolproof test (emphasis on "fool"): If you are wearing a bikini and people have to look to make sure you have on the bottoms because your belly hangs over the little scrap of material covering your hoochy-momma, you do NOT need to be wearing a bikini! I swear on a stack of protein bars!

Second, do not wear anything that comes from a store with the word "Barn" anywhere in the name. If you already feel like a cow, do not shop where the bovine body image is reinforced.

Third, one word...moo-moo. I don't know how to spell it, but that's what I think of when I see someone wearing one. I don't care how comfortable it may be, it makes you look like you should be shopping at a store like mentioned above!

Fourth, if you think "One Size Fits All," then I have some ocean-front property in Kansas for you to buy. It doesn't. They lied. If it truly does fit all, see Number 3 above.

Lastly, do not wear those huge t-shirts with the big ol' picture of a cartoon character on the front, unless of course you really are trying to look like a BILLBOARD!

Innovations in Home Exercise Equipment
We have several pieces of home exercise equipment. Our universal weight machine is hidden behind the materials used to build our son's treehouse. The big blue fitness ball sits in the corner beside our little blue medicine ball, looking more like mother and child than fitness equipment. The dumbbells are somewhere around the universal machine and that lateral thigh strider is in front of the chest freezer (so I have to stand up on it to get my popsicles...so, yeah, I'm sorta exercising on it). But the two I want to discuss are my mini stair stepper at work and my new purchase, the Ab Lounger.

I keep my mini stair stepper at work to hop on between clients. I like the idea of "mini." It is small, so it is out of the way. I can do many "mini" workouts on it and still get some good bursts of cardio. And, the one that I like the best, is the thought of "mini-stairs." Being the cognitive psychologist that I am, I know that interpretation is everything. Therefore, I choose to think of it as a mini-stair stepper. I can do mini-stairs. I get on that thing and picture little stairs about two inches tall and myself flying up them without breathing heavy because, after all, they are mini-stairs. I wonder if you can get a mini-butt on mini-stairs?

Then, there's my Ab Lounger. I love my Ab Lounger. "Why?" you ask. Because I LOVE the idea of combining exercise with lounging! I picture myself kicked back in a lounge chair on the beach and raising up to take get a drink, grab some sun block, bop a beach ball, or check out the really hot guy walking by with...never mind. You get the picture...I know I do!

Aaaahhhh...the joys of imagination! Now, if I can only imagine myself actually doing something, I'd be in great shape.

Wogging (Week Whenever)

Ok...the emails can stop now. Here's a new post. First, however, I must explain my delay in writing this. (Shuffles feet, stares into space, bites lower lip...ummmmm) You got me! I have no reason, excuse, or explanation. I just got as lazy writing this as I have with EVERYTHING else! I have started a walking/jogging regimen that I do mostly in the mornings because it is SO DANG HOT!!! I actually have gone in the evenings when I get home and was glad I did. This made me realize how much hair I used to carry around on my head. As I was jogging the other night, I felt something drip on my face. I looked around to see if it was raining or if someone was spittin' on me, then I realized what it was...sweat! Because of my chicken-butt hair cut, I don't have as much hair to soak up the sweat. Before, I must have had SPONGEBOB HAIR!

I laugh at myself when I go wogging (walking + jogging), and not just because I think I look funny while doing it. I wog in a cemetery. Actually I wog in two cemeteries that I refer to as "my dad's cemetery" and "my mom's cemetery" (for location purposes ONLY!). "Dad's cemetery" is the one closer to my home where my dad is buried. Many people wog in that cemetery. Even at 5:30 or 6:00 am, at least two or three cars are parked there. I also wog at the cemetery close to my mother's house (aka "mom's cemetery" - isn't that morbid?). It's not as crowded. I go there when I want to be alone or when I don't want to have to "look good" while wogging. You know the times...you just want to carry that pained expression on your face without having to suck it up as you near someone approaching. You want to be able to look like someone just stepped on your hoo-hahs and, yes, it hurt like shut-my-mouth! Those are the times I want to be alone.

So, why do I laugh? The other day while wogging at "my dad's cemetery," I was amused at how many people go to a resting place for dead people to get healthy. Talk about motivation!!! I don't know exactly what is motivating about it. Is it a reminder that I don't want to end up there anytime soon? Is it the thought of "so great a cloud of witnesses" that keeps me going? Or is it some fear that if I stop or slow down some zombie drill sergeant will come out of nowhere demanding that I drop and give him 20? Surely it wouldn't have anything to do with a paved walkway and little traffic! How boring is that!

I think I'll go home and run from the children of the corn. Oh, yes...I have Bible School. Same thing!