One more week and I will be ending my blog. In honor of this being the Diary of an Out-Of-Shape Shrink, I thought I would write a BUFFET of ideas.
More Clothes Fat Chicks Shouldn't Wear
As I was getting dressed for work, I noticed the tag on my sweater read, "Sag Harbor." I said to myself, "Isn't that funny! I thought that's what my bra was!" Anyway, this made me think about more clothes fat chicks just should not wear.
Let's start with an obvious one...bikinis! Well, at least I thought this was obvious, but one stroll through any local water park makes it painfully clear that this was not obvious to others. If you wonder whether or not you should wear a bikini, I will give you one foolproof test (emphasis on "fool"): If you are wearing a bikini and people have to look to make sure you have on the bottoms because your belly hangs over the little scrap of material covering your hoochy-momma, you do NOT need to be wearing a bikini! I swear on a stack of protein bars!
Second, do not wear anything that comes from a store with the word "Barn" anywhere in the name. If you already feel like a cow, do not shop where the bovine body image is reinforced.
Third, one word...moo-moo. I don't know how to spell it, but that's what I think of when I see someone wearing one. I don't care how comfortable it may be, it makes you look like you should be shopping at a store like mentioned above!
Fourth, if you think "One Size Fits All," then I have some ocean-front property in Kansas for you to buy. It doesn't. They lied. If it truly does fit all, see Number 3 above.
Lastly, do not wear those huge t-shirts with the big ol' picture of a cartoon character on the front, unless of course you really are trying to look like a BILLBOARD!
Innovations in Home Exercise Equipment
We have several pieces of home exercise equipment. Our universal weight machine is hidden behind the materials used to build our son's treehouse. The big blue fitness ball sits in the corner beside our little blue medicine ball, looking more like mother and child than fitness equipment. The dumbbells are somewhere around the universal machine and that lateral thigh strider is in front of the chest freezer (so I have to stand up on it to get my popsicles...so, yeah, I'm sorta exercising on it). But the two I want to discuss are my mini stair stepper at work and my new purchase, the Ab Lounger.
I keep my mini stair stepper at work to hop on between clients. I like the idea of "mini." It is small, so it is out of the way. I can do many "mini" workouts on it and still get some good bursts of cardio. And, the one that I like the best, is the thought of "mini-stairs." Being the cognitive psychologist that I am, I know that interpretation is everything. Therefore, I choose to think of it as a mini-stair stepper. I can do mini-stairs. I get on that thing and picture little stairs about two inches tall and myself flying up them without breathing heavy because, after all, they are mini-stairs. I wonder if you can get a mini-butt on mini-stairs?
Then, there's my Ab Lounger. I love my Ab Lounger. "Why?" you ask. Because I LOVE the idea of combining exercise with lounging! I picture myself kicked back in a lounge chair on the beach and raising up to take get a drink, grab some sun block, bop a beach ball, or check out the really hot guy walking by with...never mind. You get the picture...I know I do!
Aaaahhhh...the joys of imagination! Now, if I can only imagine myself actually doing something, I'd be in great shape.
