Excuses, Excuses, Excuses

Lately, it seems that I will go to great lengths to keep from working out. It started in the middle of last week, Wednesday night to be exact. My little boy had fallen asleep in my bed watching television, so my husband decided to sleep on the sofa. About 12:30 am (okay, technically early Thursday morning), I was awakened by the sound of banging or knocking. I lay there, getting rather perturbed at my neighbors, then realized it wasn't the neighbors. I then began getting ticked at my husband. So, I got up, went to the dining room, and said, "Dave, I hear something. What are you doing?" To which he responded, "You mean that wasn't you?" Immediately, there was someone banging on the French doors that lead to our deck.

To set the scene, let me describe the layout of our house. We own two lots, the corner lot and the lot next to it. Our house sits caddy-corner, with our back yard enclosed with a privacy fence. It is surrounded by our neighors' yards, one of which is enlcosed by a privacy fence, the other is approximately 75-100 yards off the road.

Now, back to the banging. Dave jumped up and ran to the doors (in his tighty-whities of course). As he was flicking the light switch up and down because the lights would not come on, this bearded man was standing on the step saying, "I'm staying up the street here, and I just need some water and I'll be outta here." (What the bloody you know what?!)

Dave said, "Hold on!" and ran to the study. As he was loading his 9mm, I threw him some jeans so he could at least put on his pants. When Dave got to the door, the guy was gone.Dave called 911 and requested an officer come to the house.

Our backyard was the most bizarre scene. The guy had

• rearranged the furniture on our deck
• removed our propane tank from the gas grill
• removed the igniting switch from the gas grill
• unscrewed the light bulbs at our back door
• opened the water heater closet (we have an external water heater)
• attached a water hose (not ours) to the water heater
• placed a container of citronella torch fuel in the water heater closet
• had another propane canister close to the closet
• broke a board off the side of our wood bin (even though the doors were not locked)
• kicked his way out of the wood bin
• scattered our lawn chairs around the lawn
• took the swing from the frame, turned it around backwards, and hung it back up
• unscrewed the awning from the swing, removed the supports from the awning, and draped it over the back of the swing
• leaned the board from the wood bin up on the swing
• hung a tiki torch from the top of the board (it looked like a shrine!)
• and kicked his way out of our privacy fence

All I could do was walk from the front door to the back door and say, "This is so bizarre." It is God's grace that he did not burn our house down! Needless to say, we did not sleep the rest of the night. We both took off work to fix our yard and beef up security around our house, so no workout for me!

ANYWAY, it does weird things to you when you narrowly escape being the burnt sacrifice to some mosquito god.

Oh, yeah, the other two excuses I came up with for not working out was (1) I've had a bronchitis thing going on and (2) I'm exhausted after Dave and I built my mom a 30'x16' deck and had a birthday party for Jadyn combined with a surprise party for my mom. I JUST DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT!

(Post Script: We think they caught the guy. He was a methamphetamine addict with felony warrants out for his arrest in the neighboring county. He probably was setting up camp to cook up some meth in our backyard. If the DEA finds ingredients for meth in my yard, I can say, "Hey, just take a look at my size. Do I LOOK like I do meth?!")

Week 14

I like hearing how my words inspire others. Just the other day, a friend of mine told me how my last post inspired her. What was her aspiration? NOT TO BE MENTIONED IN MY BLOG! So, just so you will know beyond a shadow of a doubt that absolutely nothing is sacred with me...

HEY LEAH COSTELLO!!!

Whew! That feels better. I love being obstinate.

I was obstinate Tuesday. I knew I had a couple of hours free time in the afternoon, so I was going to do my workout then. However, I debated about getting an extra 20 minutes on the treadmill in the morning. Debated? Did I say debated? Perhaps that is too strong a word. Pondered, perhaps? Nah. Thought about, maybe? Nope. Let's say the thought popped in my head and right out as soon as I said, "Venti vanilla latte" at Starbucks.

I worked out in the afternoon one day this week. It was a different crowd from the one I'm used to in the morning. Several fit women were there, and I thought I would have one...a fit, that is. I was feeling a bit uncomfortable (that's just me) until I realized that I was having to increase the weight on every machine. I noticed one of the women watching as I increased the weight by 40 pounds on the quad machine. Suddenly, welling up inside of me was this loud, "YES MA'AM!!!" I felt like I belonged! For the first time in my fitness center life, I felt like a regular, and it felt good.

The next day, I bought 12 more sessions with my trainer. Working out finally has become a habit. I look forward to it and miss it when I am unable to go. I look for make-up and extra times. I don't want to jinx it, but I do believe I'm hooked.

Week 13

I was really needing some inspiration today. It had been waning for a couple of weeks. I found it, yes, once again, from Cindy. When I took Jadyn to daycare Monday morning, she handed me a card saying, "I've been carrying this around for you." My hopes were high. I was expecting a really sweet I'm-so-glad-we-are-friends card. (Don't ask me why; I should have known better.) What I got was this:

Front: Remember: You're in good shape as long as you can still touch your toes!
{OK, so far I'm feeling pretty good, my toes are in reach}
Inside: Using your boobs doesn't count.

AW, MAN! And I was feeling so good about myself, too! Just the inspiration I needed. With the campfire hit "Do Your Ears Hang Low" resonating in my head, changing the anatomy of the song of course, I double bagged my pectoral area in two sports bras like a bag full of canned goods at Kroger and off to work I went. (Sea World had just returned the bras with a nice thank you note from the shamu training staff.) I walked. I jogged. I lifted weights. I did jumping jacks. I even stepped up and down on that &#@% wooden box without anyone telling me to and kept up with my own time! I did incline sit-ups and even worked my abs hanging from the machine that held up that little old guy with the twig legs and the black-socks-with-white-sneakers. BRING IT ON, BABY!!! I'M READY TO TAKE ON ANYONE OVER 80!!!

In case you couldn't tell, I'm branching out during my workouts. I would have said "spreading out" but that is between my workouts and the reason for working out in the first place. I'm pushing myself a bit more and feeling motivated again. I even went twice in one day!

I must admit one thing...The double bagging really helps. I thought I was going to have to walk around the fitness center with a football helmet on my head.

Week 12

This has been a different week. My workouts were limited because one of my dearest friends had serious surgery, and I have been at the hospital with her each morning. It was in the waiting room during her surgery that I was reminded, once again, one of the reasons I am working out in the first place.

Arlene, my friend, is loved by so many people. So, of course, many people were in the waiting room to make sure she was ok. Arlene also happens to be one of those pixy-elf friends I have (as were most in the waiting room). I said that I was going to tell her that they made a mistake in the operating room and gave her a breast augmentation instead. Cindy warned about making her laugh because Cindy's husband made her laugh when she had her C-section (he said it looked like she swallowed a spiral notebook) and she had to hold her tummy together because it hurt so bad.

This led to a discussion of scars. (We sounded like a bunch of old people.) I mentioned that my sister-in-law (who also is a pixy-elf) said that her C-section scar almost has faded away. I said, "That's one advantage to being my size. I just tuck that sucker up under my belly and it's hidden for life!"

Forget about Mederma; I have EPIDERMA!

Week 11

When the cat's away, the mouse will play at working out. Jeremy has been at a conference all week, and I must admit I have slacked off. Slacked off...who am I kidding? I've been rather pathetic actually. I need a spin doctor to save face for this post. Hmmmmm...let's see...

• I have taken some much needed time to allow recuperation in muscle mass so the neurotransmitters from my brain will flow unimpeded by lactic acid build up. (Nah)
• Someone stole the workout equipment. (uh-uh)
• The ratio between days off is inversely proportional to the amount of exertion released on days spent exercising, thus allowing the summation of reserves to target the abdominal region in a relaxed state. (in my dreams)
• Sea world called. They needed to borrow two training harnesses for the new killer whales. (There ya go!!!)

Actually, I've given up my dreams for six-pack abs. More people go to keg parties anyway.