Buzz Lightyear Diet Plan

Children make Christmas great! Dave and I had so much fun buying and wrapping and putting together Jadyn's presents. I think Dave had more fun with his electric train (excuse me...train with no eyes and no mouth) than Jadyn did. I love Christmas now that I have a child. But, there's one thing I hate about Christmas presents...anti-theft devices.

Jadyn was given a Search and Rescue Buzz Lightyear for Christmas by his cousins. (Thank you Andrew and Ashelynn!) He was so excited and wanted to play with it right away. I cut the tape with scissors and opened up the box. That's when I saw it. What every parent hates to see. You guessed it...those dad-blasted plastic twist ties!!! This toy was protected by 10 of those buggers! 10!!!!!!! You would have thought it was made of solid gold or was carrying nuclear waste it was protected so much. As I began untwisting the twist-ties and pulling those little plastic tabs off, a feeling of wanting to throw Buzz out the nearest window kept welling inside of me.

That's when my brilliant idea came to me. We need to package food this way! Just imagine a box of Christmas candy, each piece with two of those plastic twist ties attaching it to the box. It would take a lot of work to eat a little caramel turtle, I tell ya. So much work that you wouldn't grab 4 or so to eat at a time. Either that box of candy would last until Easter or you would see boxes of half-eaten candy being flung out windows all over the country!

Now, we wouldn't have to put these twister protectors on all foods. I don't think they are necessary on foods such as cottage cheese or spinach or brussell sprouts. But anything found at the check-out at a grocery store...twist it! The obesity in our country would decrease dramatically.

I can see one very negative side effect of this plan, though. Millions of homicidal poundage-endowed people in need of a candy fix going Hershey at the snack counters, vending machines, and grocery store check-outs because of these darned twist-ties. It would not be pretty. Somebody would get hurt and a lot of us would go to jail. Law enforcement officers would have to Mirandize us differently..."You have the right to remain obese. If you give up that right, any calories you consume will be added to your body anyway. You have the right to diet and exercise on your own. If you do not have the willpower to diet and exercise and refrain from going mad trying to consume the protected confections, a nutrition plan will be given to you in the form of 3 hots and a cot, and you will be able to exercise in the common yard." Imagine all of us chubsters walking around in orange jumpsuits. We'd look like a convention of Fruit of the Loom rejects. Oh, the agony.

I'm going to give myself and easy-open Kiss.